My Journey through BDSM

There is a large amount of information that is available both on-line and off about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadomasochism) if you are unsure of what it means. The linked article explains it so succinctly that I felt it best to simply allow them to do so and let you come back here to finish reading my article.

I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who is Husband to my being wife, Master to my being slave and Dominant to my being submissive. These are the "roles" that we have, but for us, it is not play, it is a part of our everyday life. Even as we are having to continue our marriage via distance while we wait for me to get proper paperwork to go to Canada to be with him. Before my husband, there were two other relationships. The one directly before him was an 8 year relationship. Before her, there was another. That is the one I will be talking about, along with the relationship I have with my husband as it pertains to BDSM.

In 1999, I met a lady in the elevator of the building where I lived. I had seen her a time or two and thought how attractive I found her and wished she were a lesbian, but at that point, neither of us did anything more than to say hello the rare times we bumped into one another. Then a mutual friend asked us to play Gin Rummy together. We both agreed and met again. We recognized one another, talked, joked and more. I talked about my recent holiday with a female and then we all needed to take a break. When we came back, Bobbi suddenly said, "You are a lesbian!" My response--"Yes...so glad you could join us." I suddenly became ill due to a new medication I took and Bobbi and the gentleman we were playing cards with said one of them was taking me home. I chose Bobbi as I felt safer with a woman. (Whole other story, maybe another time).

This began a relationship that would last until October 5, 1999 when she died unexpectedly. In the time we were involved, we discovered some things about ourselves sexually. We had no one to really talk to about it, and no computer to look it up. So, we stumbled through it. What we discovered, independently and then some things together was that Bobbi liked to be spanked. I learned after allowing her a time of doing it, but stopping if I said "STOP" that I also liked it. I learned that the only way I could do spanking of her, and also anal for her with toys, was to be in a very particular mindset. She would let me know about 24 hours in advance that she wanted to have spanking/anal. From that moment, until we were done with a "session" as I would learn later many people call them in the BDSM Lifestyle, I would be in a Dominant mindset. Some people would say I "switch" but I only did so for a very limited time to fulfill my partner's needs as vaginal sex was something she could not enjoy doing due to having been brutally raped and sliced which left her with severe nerve damage in the genital area.

We had no idea that there was a name for what we were doing. We knew what we enjoyed. She liked to put a soft restraint and blindfold on me. I enjoyed it. We simply did not know that BDSM is what it was all part of.

Fast forward to 2009 when I met a man online and began talking to him and learning he liked nipple clamps, floggers, cuffs, and desired a submissive woman to "play" with. I was still with the woman I had been with since 2001. The person after Bobbi's death, with whom my relationship had become nothing more than roommates, at her own insistence.

We started talking about the different things used in BDSM, like the crop, floggers, clothespins, blindfold, and more that he already had. He called it his equipment. He showed me pictures of things, such as Clover Clamps, Violet Wand and allowed me to explore via search what they were and how they are used. We began exchanging private messages and then emails. He continued to answer questions and we slowly began to play via private messages and then Yahoo Messenger. This lasted until March 23, 2009, when I left the person I was living with following what was a very abusive and frightening night where I feared for my life. (It was not the first abuse she perpetrated but it was the scariest and I knew I had to leave.) Right before leaving, the man who is now my husband sent me an email with his phone number and said to use it if I needed it. I quickly memorized it completely so I could put it on the Trac phone I would take with me.

When I got to the Battered Women's shelter, I was able to call him and tell him I was safe. We would begin talking at first every night for an hour or so, then I got a cell-phone with a very good plan that allowed me to call Canada for a reasonable price. So we started talking in the morning and evening. When I got my own place, I was able to call him directly and talk as long as we like due to paying for a set plan that allowed unlimited to Canada. This helped us to really get to know one another and then when we both got inexpensive webcams, we could see one another. Through all of this, I called him "Sir"...as it came naturally following a particular Private message he had sent early in our talking. He called [still does], me angel.

When he came down to meet me for the first time in October so that we could celebrate our birthday together since they are only 10 days apart, he brought his equipment with him. He began using different things and allowing me to learn what I liked, didn't like. What was too painful, or not painful enough. We had a moment where things got scary because I had a severe PTSD moment, but he handled it perfectly as soon as he heard the change in my voice, even thought I did not use my safe word. He stopped everything and took the time to calm me down and find out what happened. Then he took the time to allow me to find a position that did not cause a flashback as the first one had done.

We learned that I llike a fair amount of pain. I enjoy the crop a lot and now he's wondering about a cane, which he hadn't considered before. We fell very naturally into the Master/slave first on the phone/web came, but even more so in person. For us, that part is mostly in the bedroom only. The D/s aspect however is constant 24/7.

I love that he allows me to be an independent person. To think for myself and to learn, grow and also, teach at times. He encourages it! He wants me to be the kind of submissive who is always learning, growing and yet is still submissive in all things.

If Bobbi and I had not ventured so blindly into the world of BDSM, I don't know if I would have been ready for the man who is now my husband when he came along. If he had not been so calm, understanding and willing to allow me to search answers out myself, I don't know if things would be as they are. I can only say I am grateful to Bobbi for the gentle, hesitant venture into BDSM and to my husband Rob, for taking me farther into understanding it and the world of Bondage, Domination, Submission and Masochism. I look forward to exploring it more with you when we can be together finally.

Should you decide to venture into BDSM, do so carefully and inform yourself. I've tried to include some links to articles and sites that may help you.